Well damn that went by fast! Just like that I blinked and maternity leave was over. In retrospect 6 months would’ve been a lot better than 3, BUT ALAS, here we are. In some ways it’s been great for me to get back into the swing of things for my mental health, but I can’t help feeling that good ole mom guilt (spoiler alert – that’s real!) for actually feeling okay and/or happy when I’m away from my son. Do I know this is unhealthy to some degree? Yes! Do I also know it’s normal? Also yes! Does that make it any easier? No!
In all honesty, I’ve been struggling A LOT with a pretty good bout of postpartum anxiety…filled with dread that something bad could happen at any moment, both related to my son and completely unrelated. I’ve been on edge, nervous, filled with racing thoughts, and feeling like i’m using every bit of my mental energy to just get done the basics: take care of my son in a meaningful way that supports his development and well-being, do what I need to do for work, and try to do the bare minimum to take care of my basic needs. Nevermind a healthy and happy marriage or nurturing relationships with family & friends! Nevermind focusing the way I want to on my own physical and mental health! I’ve noticed with the new mental load that motherhood brings, in addition to the onslaught of pressure my PPA is giving me, the FIRST things to fall off my list of to-do’s are the things that help me and only me. Bye bye gym sessions, therapy, walks by myself, spending time with friends, meditating, journaling, prayer rituals, nails, massages, etc! And really shouldn’t it be the very opposite? Many of those things REALLY help me with my mental health, particularly movement, therapy, and journaling/prayer/meditating. But yet they are the first things I sacrifice when I have a lot on my plate.
This got me thinking about how we as women have a long and sordid history with this plight in life. We sacrifice so much for everyone around us, we forget to take care of ourselves first. It’s such a cliche but we really do have to put on our own oxygen mask first. If we aren’t prioritizing ourselves, our energy, and mental capacity to show up for others in the way we want, we will be so depleted, we actually wind up doing the exact opposite of what we want to be doing in those relationships. For me, this shows up as snapping at my husband, having less patience for my son, isolating from friends and family, and avoiding important but potentially difficult situations at work.
As I embark on this new chapter in life, balancing (whatever the f*ck that means!) motherhood and working, along with everything else in life, I really want to work on recommitting myself to prioritizing myself FIRST, reframing the idea that this is selfish, to it actually being the most selfLESS thing I can do for others in my life. The healthier, happier, calmer, more rested, clear-headed, and restored I am, the better I can show up for the people and things in my life that mean the most to me. If you’re in a transition period with motherhood, juggling all the things that life throws at you, or just kinda going through it right now…I see you! Let’s all have a Healed Girl Summer and work on prioritizing ourselves one small way per day to build some momentum.
Love,
Jackie